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I hadn’t planned on using this blog as a personal journal. Christ knows I’ve enough real ones as is (2 in rotation as of present ). I have the feeling that this post is about to play a role in my future. And we’ll,…. That IS why I’m writing Here. You see, i have a friend, (and the way I’m feeling as I write this, i use that term “Loosely”) so, this person is in the middle of a tug o war with an addiction. His struggle has gotten him kicked out of house & home, an ex-girlfriend, and jobless. Now, before I go any further I should give a brief bio of our friendship: This is a person i’ve known for roughly, 14 years. A person who became a brother, one of the few I could trust. In the years that we’ve known one another drug abuse has been the biggest issue. For both of us. Only, I’ve been fortunate enough to have outgrown my desire for such. He,…..well that’s obvious. Anyway, there has been quite a lot of water that has passed under our bridge. Sometimes those waters have raged, and other times, calm as a lake. Anyone got a pair of floaties? I feel a storm brewing…..
Last month, my friend found himself homeless on the streets of Overtown, Miami. On my way down to Art Basel, i get a text, “help is needed” and hey, what are friends for? That’s a question btw…… So, having a legendary knack for not seeing situations from all angles, I decide that this is my friend and if he wants to clean up, move forward in life with a fresh start, he’ll have a better chance sleeping on my floor than the streets of Overtown. My decision conflicted with that of another friend. A friend with whom I share the house I rent with. His decision not to allow this person to continue staying at the house before this bullshit was due to his kids, he didn’t want an active addict around the house, his kids. He was right. We were both right, just about two different points of view. In the end, I decide to allow my friend to crash on my floor. My thinking: “he’ll kick, clean up, go back to work, and if need be, we’ll just find a place to rent between us”. On my end, thats how life looked at the moment. So i did just this. My friend on the other hand, well he has had A few setbacks. The last of which I wrote a letter to him explaining if he got high again, i would no longer continue to help him. I layed down the law, and i wasn’t fucking around. That was 2 weeks ago. Since then, as far as I have known, he’s been clean. The problem is This, (and i am getting to the point with it) in the past two weeks he has given me cause to question him. Today, he went through my desk drawer, and took the last of the suboxone I had cut into quarters for us to share. ( I occasionally take this to help counter my moods, it isnt just a detox drug, look it up) and rather than ask, rather than just throw it away, he puts the wrapper exactly as was, puts it back into the bag it was in, and then back into the drawer. Now, I don’t know about you, but i consider that not only sneaky but way outta line. Completely disrespectful. The principal of this one act, that right there shows me that my cause to question him has been correct. It angers me, and yeah, it hurts me. I feel like a fucking asshole. Like i should’ve listened to that voice a month ago that said “don’t get involved “. I have given a friend safe harbor, an opportunity to clean up and get his life together, food, money for the bus, (my bus pass, when I didn’t need it) money for smokes, suboxone to help him detox from the heroin. All of my help has been sincere, all of my word’s, sincere. EVERYThiNG on my part has come from a genuine and sincere place. THAT is what pisses me off the most. Fuck the money, fuck the suboxone. That shit means nothing. I’m in a position I don’t want to be in right now, have not wanted to be put into at any time, and now I’m stuck with the ? Of “Should I stop helping him, and tell him to leave, or do I continue to help, but…….?????”. I can’t trust him. Hell, i can’t trust anyone around me, and i don’t!. It’s fucking sad……I have to make a choice that i REALLY don’t want to make. Makes me so angry that after i do the right thing, this is put on me, that i put my ass on the line for a person I’ve considered a friend, and that i could have suffered serious repercussions as a result of his bullshit. It makes me angry that here i am, vouching for him to help him find work, telling those concerned thag he’s doing well. Giving him all he needs to help him, all the while running the risk of being played like a real fucking fool. Well, as far as I am concerned, he has given me enough rope to hang him. I have done all I could and I’m disappointed that he didn’t produce better results. I feel as though I am the only sincere person amongst a group of 2 faced fucking liars, and cowards. Doesn’t matter, i gotta make a choice. That is what matters. THAT is what becoming an adult is about. Right?? (Another question btw) I dont know how to end this, so…. THE END Posted from WordPress for Android