The familiar sting of old memories……


Did I neglected to mention my twin?……
At the swap shop while visiting with my mother during my “Foster years”. (Age 8-9 1990, I’m pretty sure….)

I wonder what it’s like for those who have the luck of reliving childhood memories with warmth, the memories that put a smile on their faces, and a feeling of happiness, content…..
Is this another of life’s illusions? Something that only happens in the movie’s, or is this a reality for some?
For me, that fondness I feel is one of sadness. It’s a mix of sadness, confusion, and longing. In reality, my childhood was a time of neglect, a constant motion, a whirlwind if you like, picking up speed with each new event. They’re were a lot, so maybe one can imagine how fast life was spinning. So much anger, so much abuse, so much pain. It’s only NOW, at the cusp of my 34 birthday, that I can truly begin to reflect with some clarity, and if I’m lucky, understanding. That’s not to say I had a horrible childhood. Personally, I experienced a little of each, sure. My mother, that’s who I saw take the brunt of all this tumult. HER pain, HER anger, HER abuse,…..and so on, so forth. I catch myself wanting to go back to my childhood, longing for it, not because I’m aging, but because I just want to go back to where it all began, get a better view of it all……
It was TOO quick, TOO fucking fast, and now it’s all gone. Passed me by before I  even knew what hit me.
Maybe, it also has to do with the fact that I don’t feel I fit in with the now. Maybe it’s the reason WHY I don’t  feel I fit in with my generation, my now……..
Spend enough time thinking about this, and before I know it, a lot me time’s gonna pass me by, that I’ve learned. I don’t want to believe that life’s shit, but that don’t mean I don’t feel it, often.

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